I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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