4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize