If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
