I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
