Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
