he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
