is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
