I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
