I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
