so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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