so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
