Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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