I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
