Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Just invented taco cereal.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
