This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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