Swine flu is the new snow day.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Randomize
