Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
