There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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