After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
