I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
