youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
