His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
