I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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