did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
