So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
