Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
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