Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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