im having a threesome with these popsicles
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
