Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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