benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
