My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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