my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
