I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
