Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Even my vagina gasped.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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