her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.