If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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