you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
