I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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