Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
