I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You ate ashes out of my bong
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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