the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
