woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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