Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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