Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
im holly from the hills drunk
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
