i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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