i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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