I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
