my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
