i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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