the condom got lost in my hair
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
