just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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