Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Your tits are I can't wait for
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Still dying that you shit outside
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
