hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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