why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Too much gin, very little bucket
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
