Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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