You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
