well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
