I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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