Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
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