Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
