we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
