Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
